The freight train hit me on Sunday. That’s what it felt like. “Five months from today will be my last Sunday.”
I was sitting there, minding my own business, listening as Erin preached a great message on Unity, when it hit. It nearly threw me off my chair. It was one of those earth-shattering, soul-shattering moments. I didn’t quite know what to do with it. So, I swallowed. The fact remained in my heart, if this month was any clue, the next five months would go quickly.
There were two kinds of realities for me in that moment.
On the one hand, the fact of departure from this place and you all is accompanied by an immense feeling of loss. This has been such a great journey of growth and transformation for me, for us. That came on Sunday -- I will miss you. Alongside that was the fact of hearing a message and not delivering it. I didn’t expect it, but there was loss attending to that as well. I’ll still be preaching places, but it won’t be here. It was something like a gut punch.
Then, on the other hand there was this fact: before July 1 hits I need to have this other gig that Jesus is leading me into more up and running than it currently is. Both of these knocked the wind out of me. I sat there, breathless. Astounded.
Later that evening, Gabri asked how I was doing and I shared this with her with the tears that accompanied the revelation. This is quite a journey for me -- It is a new kind of Camino.
The only way through a transition is to walk it and feel it. We must all face the loss that is in the transition. Certainly, I’m not dead, so we will see one another again. But, still, we cannot pretend that nothing will change. In a transition there are feelings of “shock, anger, denial, fear, sadness” that are all normal emotions. If you are familiar with the stages of grief, you might recognize that some of those are in that list. We must feel the feelings. I think some of you have been feeling these along the way, and others may not have many feelings.
Sunday was one of my “feel this thing” days!
The second stage of transition includes what is called a neutral zone, that feels unsteady, and might be accompanied by feelings such as a sense of confusion, feeling displaced, disoriented, skeptical, even apathetic. Like feeling that depressed “what does it matter” kind of drag.
In any time of transition, we need permission to feel whatever is there, in order to take the steps God has for us in order to actually enter new beginnings. The goal for the transition team is that by the time I actually pass the baton and you have a new pastor, that you can be ready to experience the feelings of such a new start of excitement, joy, energy, commitment, and acceptance.
You might notice that the Church Council team put these into their goals for this year, so this idea is literally “on the walls” as we make this journey.
But we have to feel it as the feelings come. The key in this season is to come, come to worship, stay in community, feel the feelings around one another.
Sunday was such a crazy day with the conversation during worship, the Chili Cookoff (congrats to the winners!), where we were joined by friends from Christ UMC and from Aloha UMC for the gathering time centered on what might possibly be happening at General Conference. That was a lively and good conversation, but for me ended with many people from both of those congregations coming up to me. Some of them lamented my decision to leave, for they would miss me. They asked questions and wanted me to tell what was going on for me, again, and again, and again.
By the time I left I was fully in the feeling level of transition! What was I doing? What did God have for me and for us? I needed to read and re-read what God has been saying, to come back to a firm foundation!
On Sunday it also became clear that not only are we at Westside in transition but the whole church is as well.
There were many bright moments in the midst of the gut punch Sunday, one of which was when Wendy Fedderly came up to me and said, “Even if some of the process was poorly handled back in 2009, when you came, we can be confident in the process itself, for it did bring us you.” What a clear note of hope and glory that was! And if Jesus can handle even the messy processes of the UMC, then, it is clear, He can handle all of this for me, for us and for the greater church. God is IN this. We only need to read some of what God spoke to the members of Church Council last June at our meeting to be assured of that. God is in this.
May that reality uphold you too as you process transition, feel what you need to feel, and share this with others. We are not meant to do any of this alone, we are together for a reason.